The last few years I honestly focused more on my single life than trying to find someone. I thought I carried my heart on my sleeve that is until I started dating again after a long time and realizing how hard it was in the beginning. To clarify though it was not hard because of him or the way he was treating me. It was hard because I had no idea what I was doing especially since it was so different from anything I had experience before.
Therefore, I would like to share a few difficulties I had at the beginning.
What dating again after a long time felt like…
Where did those walls come from?
I lived this whole time thinking my heart was freely out in the open, completely soft and ready whenever the time would come. Little did I know that I built these glass walls around my heart, which made it look like it was out there, but it was still protected with some pretty good security. It took me months to overcome these walls to realize that I have been single for a very long time and that protection was necessary. I had to come to terms with the fact that it was ok to take time to slowly break down the walls. Thankfully, I am dating someone who really helped do that.
What is love?
All this time I thought I knew what love was. I thought I was very in tune with my emotions and my heart. I had to realize that in many ways, I had no idea and the first few months were such an emotional rollercoaster. I was often questioning myself and started asking myself if I was really in love, if I really still knew what it felt like. I was so insecure in my behavior and in my perception of love. Yet again, I had to remind myself that I had not dated anyone in a very long time and that I had to give myself time to switch from one season to another to switch from what I knew about something to experiencing that something in a much better, brighter and realer way. What helped me most with this question was to just not give up. There were no red flags in this relationship and so I just kept on going until my heart and my mind were able to catch up.
Why am I still a control freak?
I wrote about the problem with being single here and it was exactly how I was feeling. This relationship required and still requires and probably will keep requiring from me to let go of control. I thought I had overcome my need to be in control of my life and my situation but I was wrong and it challenged me so much. In fact, it still does! Just last week I had another one of those moments where I realized I needed to let go. The only way to overcome this is to keep letting go of your way. I am still learning but it is a good process. A process that teaches me to trust because ultimately this kind of control is a trust issue. Trust needs to be earned and only grows by getting to know another person more intimately and so I am learning to trust and to let go and to forgive and to enjoy rather than to overthink and plan and control.
Friends, I still cannot believe that I started dating again after such a long time and it still feel like a dream. I still sometimes feel like I am processing but I do hope that today’s post encouraged you in some way. I really want to take you on this journey with me and remind you that you can have abundance in every season of life.